Who’s Your Daddy?

There is no story to tell if I don’t just jump right in and admit my biological father often bragged about being a murderer. It’s not something I care for the world to know. He’s been dead more years than I can remember, and I had no contact with him during the last 18 plus years of his life. Still, I grew up in fear of him. There was no room for respect or love. My siblings and I were more the result of virtually nonexistent birth control than any desire he ever had to be a parent.

My mother, on the other hand, lived for her kids. She began her marriage to my father as a mousey girl who couldn’t stand up to the abuse she received. But as we grew older and the recipient of more of his unfounded rage, she willingly put herself between his fury and the object of it more times than I could possibly recount.

One of his favorite tales during his fits of psychotic behavior was the story of a man he murdered in Orange, TX between 1943 and 1945. The details have blurred over time, but he strangled the man with his bare hands and gouged his eyes out just for fun. It remains unsolved, if indeed, it ever happened. There’s a part of me that wants to research it further than I could in the past. There’s a bigger part of me that believes it will backfire on me and family members will not forgive me for bringing to remembrance.

I admit I am a child abuse survivor, but not to gain a sympathetic ear. Our past can define who we ultimately become if we are not strong enough to overcome the hurts, fears and insecurities that envelop us. I chose to go beyond my comfort zone and ignore what was beaten into me as a child. I left negativity behind me. I knew I was not stupid, worthless and a waste of space, even though I believed it growing up. My insecurities kept me from accomplishing my dreams until I was a divorced mom with two kids. My successes are because I wanted to be a good example for them.

Please keep coming back to my blog. I look forward to reaching out to anyone who feels unworthy, unloved, and incapable. There is a warrior inside each of us struggling to be set free. If I could overcome my past to become the person I am today, I believe with all my heart anyone can. You just have to want peace and contentment enough to face your demons.